MSN Space Moved

I have created a new blog on wordpress called Old Habits Die Hard and moved everything from both my msn space over. I can't help but read through a few of my old posts, they feel so remote yet still touching the softest part of my heart gently. I've come a long way in my life but I need to know what I should do soon.

Something Disturbing

My mom is sick. She had a surgery a few days ago and now recovering from that. I was shocked to be honest that she was 100% ok when she was here in Halifax and as soon as she returns home she needs to had her uterus removed to prevent cervical cancel.

I wasn't exactly a mom's home boy, I am actually nothing like that. I don't even consider I have a close relationship with my parents. Part of the reason being they've always been strict parents to me and I kinda have to hide half of my thought from them to get the recognition that fits their definition of "good boy".The other part of the reason was being that I've always know that I have more interest in boys than girls - I.E. I am a homosexual.

It took me a long time, more than a decade for me to get over it and come out of the closet and feel comfortable with who I am. Yeah it is a long time counting from the first time I had same sex experience when I was... 14 I think. OK it's been over a decade, the point is that I've come this far, came out to all my friends about my sexuality, and now I am ready to face my family member and everything has been planned... and now the only thing that I didn't expect to come up - my mom is sick.

As soon as I heard this from my dad, I called them. As soon as I hear the shaking weak voice from the other side of the phone, and that's my mom, I just couldn't take the feeling that was so heavy. I felt like my legs were made of sponge, so I fell on the floor. At that moment, I realized that no matter how strongly you feel that you are not attached to your parents, how independent you are, how far you've come along with your life, it doesn't matter. The bond is something that can't be cut off without hurting anyone, and I am still deeply, truly, connected with my parents.

Is it a good thing? Yes. But is it disturbing? Yes.

I still wanna live on my life as who I am. I wanna live a life that I can be true to myself, be with a man that I love and loves me, get married and have kids. So I need to come out to my parents. I don't know if my mom can take this fact with her condition. It is disturbing to even think about telling her about it and see her reaction. But life is so short. I am already 28, there's not many 28 years left in my life, neither in my parents' lives. I need to know what to do. Someone please help me.

Wang and Mei's Wonderful and Magnificent Wedding

Let's say I was getting a little too emotional for Carolyn and Sam, because it's the wedding for them both so it's only fair. But in fact, I'd say most of my emotional are coming from my connections with Carolyn actually. Sam is one of my best friend but to be honest, he is not someone I'd ask for a serious discussion. Oh well. It was about them both, and two families. It was terrific.

I was a little over used as a cab driver in the past few days. I didn't really mind too much actually but a little annoyed that people would ask me for the favour so naturally. I'd still do it for my friends but I'd like to get some respect and appreciation. Well I have been a mister nice guy to everyone for a little too long I guess and that's all minor.

The weather was beautiful, sunny yet not too hot, not windy at all. Even the air is more fresher than usually thanks to the heavy rain we had a day before. The decoration was... really, really simple. I didn't feel it worth 600 dollars at all. Although I know the bouquets worth lots of money, there were only 4 of them.  The boutonniere we were wearing were finely crafted tho. I still keep mine at home. There were some ribbon and flower tied to the chairs along the white carpet, and there is a gift and signing table, but that was it. I felt like it was about a 300 dollar job. Hmmm, maybe I can be a wedding decorator given that I do have a sense of design. Groomsmen and maids' clothing was bothering all of us before the wedding but it turned out beautifully. It actually looked like we had same outfit with little subtle differences. We all got white shirt and the same purple blueish tie, with black shoes and dark suit. Both maids were all in purple dress from Le Chateau, and maid of honour was in lavender bubble skirt/dress like a fairy without wings.

We took many great photos I believe, since Sam and Carolyn hired the best guys in town, i am not worried my most handsome moments are not captured. They are the centre of the wedding but I do wanna look my best, for me and for respect of the new couple. And yes I do love myself a lot, who doesn't?

I got to be the emcee for the night. I knew I needed to do a speech so I prepared for a little while, I didn't know what to talk about for a long time until I decided to go with the PDA they were famous for during their lust period. I think I did an okay job, some people laughed, and some teared, I almost shed some tear too. I am a very emotional guy, and hopelessly romantic. I think it's a good thing tho.

Now the wedding is over. I will be in NYC this weekend. I might try travel in my suit this time... hmmm.... probably not. HAHA.

sick

Can't remember how long I haven't been sick, probably not very long since I do remember there was one morning a few month ago I had to wake up in the early morning send out email to the team tell him I will be late. I don't mind getting sick once in a while because we are all humans, and we get sick, but this time is a really bad timing.

1. I have a Ruby on Rails server to setup before the weekend
2. Dan Crenna is coming to talk about windows phone 7 dev
3. Sam and Carolyn's wedding is less than a week away now

Gee... I hope Advil helps.

Good News

Andrew is gonna be back A LOT sooner than planned. YAY!

I am very happy to hear that. Although I do want him to make the most out of his trip, I simply miss him too much to deny that I want him back as soon as possible. Still, when I was talking with him online, I was all cool and laid back think for the best benefit for him instead of being all totally enthusiastic about his change of plan. To be honest I do think he will have many chances travelling to Asia in the near future. As long as our relationship works out in the way I am hoping, we probably will be travelling together too.

The only downside of it is we may not be able to tour Korea or China together this winter when I hit home for the Chinese new year. It's no biggie I suppose, the most most important goal of this trip is to come out to my family. Even Yuan doesn't think I should be spending too much time travelling since I will come out to my parents. Instead, he thinks I should be staying home with my parents as much as I can. I agree, but I am not sure how I'm going to face the inevitable awkwardness for that long... we will see...

Speaking of travelling, I booked flights for a short NYC trip in 3 weeks, to meet up with my closest cousin, and his parents, who are visiting North America for a short period. Yeah, another short trip after Montréal, which was very tiring, although I had fun during the stay, I didn't enjoy the driving part at all. I am not 20 year old any more. Although I use to drive all the way from Freddy to Toronto and back in 3 days, that was... the summer of 2005 I think, so yeah 5 years ago... Gee time flies... well anyway, I do hope this New York trip will be a good one. I will be having one night to myself. Not sure what to do yet, maybe hit the Greenwich Village to check it out? Last time I was in the village in Montréal by myself, it was ok, a little weird to be in there by myself tho. I'd like to have someone to go with me, but I don't want to have anything, you know, hook up or one night, with anyone since I am "taken". I need to keep my nose clean but I do want to take this chance to check it out.

28 + 1

I should have wrote something for my 28th birthday yesterday, but it was just a little too much happened that I was mentally stressed so heavily to concentrate on any sort of writing. I worked on a post for our internal blog, which is part of my work for the mobile team, but I just couldn't focus...

Well, I did had a good day in general. I got many birthday wishes over facebook and messages from all kinds of friends; I had THE FIRST video call with Andrew over skype, at work, in a small meeting room; I had a very nice dinner at Ryan Duffy's, perfect steak, wine and dessert; I even had a tall latte in starbucks, like I always do.

But, from my parents, that's where the frustration comes. It's of the same topic again, marriage.

I don't know what to do other than hoping them will take the fact that I am gay and I want to live a happy life. I do need to tell them, I know I have to. That's the only way that I can possibly get to the best result for me. It will definitely shatter a lot of things but if I don't do it, the struggle will shatter my life, and I only have this one life, I want to be happy.

I've told them that I have problems, problems that they can't help me with, problems that I don't have options to choose from. I hope they can smell something there. It is part of me as a person, and part of the pain I am suffering. But at the same time I don't want them to freak out already, I just hope they would start to think in the way that I want them to think, get a little hint, or get confused at least.

The way my parents worded was very harsh. I was depressed for the whole day until Kirk shows up with the card and wine. I didn't want him to see my depression since he is not out either. He probably won't be able to give me any positive advise or experience that I need on this topic anyway. It was my birthday, I missed Andrew so much and I didn't wanna be alone, so I went with Kirk to dinner. It was a really nice one, just the feel that I needed, with a different person tho. I started to feel like a bad guy after that dinner. Am I using Kirk for a place holder in the meanwhile? I started to judge myself for a little bit. I need to find a balance.

Well... 28 + 1, it's the first day of my way to 29, the last year in my life that starts with 2. WOW, I am getting old.

Doing alright, am I?

I still miss Andrew all the time, check his blog, facebook, msn, but I also start to not worry about us any more. Because it really does NOT matter at all how much I think about it. It is about how much we BOTH care about our "relationship".

I'm really glad that he went over and sent that "I miss you" message over last weekend, and I do miss him a lot and need to hear that from him, but I also think it's time for me to take a step back. I know he really mean it when he said that. I like it but I can't make him do that all the time. Andrew is in a new country, the country he always wanted to be in, the country with a culture he always interested in, and he is dealing with all the stuff that I was dealing with when I first arrived in Canada - renting a place that's at least half decent; getting into classes I need to take; maneuvering through the city and university (keep in mind Seoul is one of the few mega cities in the world!); knowing new people and making new friends, taking lectures; dealing with assignments and quizzes etc... He is going to be extremely busy, and all these stuff he does, have NOTHING to do with me. So I do expect the feeling to be somewhat faded over time, and I won't be disappointed by that.

We both know that's gonna happen. I just happen to be still in the mood of loving caring missing you type of thing. I moved on first last time when I was in a long distance relationship, but that was a little different (for now) since that one we had no hope getting back together. This time, I really hope, and I know Andrew is planning as well, to get back to Halifax after a year. No one knows what's gonna happen, and we will play by ear.

I am alright, I really am.

Now pack up the feelings and go to Montreal... by car... geez... it's gonna be fun I hope :/

What Inception really is

It is an overly complicated movie with a few subtle traces here and there that doesn't really make much sense. But let's try to simplify it to one basic theme: You won't know if you are living in a dream.

This, seems rather new but actually old concept has been addressed in the first Matrix movie. Neo took a pill to wake up to realize what was real and what was dream, Cobb and other folks just need a kick to get back to the last level. Yes the layered dream is the piece of puzzle that making everything seem so complicated. If you have the ability of following the layers of dreams and don't let the bad plot distract you from the logic, you should end up where I am now, wondering why most people think this is a great movie??

I mean, Inception is a successful movie for sure. It raises many discussion because of the complexity and ambiguity, but that doesn't make it a great movie. My definition of a great movie should consists great plot, precise logic, good acting and stunning presentation. Inception fails in 2 out of 4 key pieces.

1. The plot: Tell me what is this movie's main thread? Is that Cobb's redemption and reunion with his kids; or is the deal that Cobb had with Santo; or is Author's found of his father's true last will? It doesn't have an overall thread that's connecting all pieces.

2. The logic: I can't say the movie doesn't make sense, actually most part of it makes perfect sense, e.g. the layered dreams, but it is way too confusing for most audience, and a lot of subtle details don't have a solid back up theory in this movie. e.g. the spintop.

3. I found the acting is mediocre with Leonardo being the one and only exception. But even him couldn't break through from the signature low voice mumbling from time to time.

4. The presentation was pretty good. I really enjoyed the scene that Paris folds into a huge cube, and the ruins collapsing into the ocean. The visually was great in general.

Overall, Inception is a successful movie in terms of making fuss and earning money at the same time. But it fails to be a great hit like Batman The Dark Knight simply because it is over complicated. People will be talking about it because it's complexity and ambiguity for a while, and then, it will be forgotten.

Robbie Williams feat Gary Barlow – Shame

Well there’s three versions of this story mine, yours and then the truth
And we can put it down to circumstance, our childhood, then our youth
Out of some sentimental gain I wanted you to feel my pain, but it came back return to sender
I read your mind and tried to call, my tears could fill the Albert Hall, is this the sound of sweet surrender?

What a shame we never listened
I told you through the television
And all that went away was the price we paid
People spend a lifetime this way
Oh what a shame.

So I got busy throwing everybody underneath the bus
And with your poster 30 foot at the back of Toys-R-Us
I wrote a letter in my mind, but the words were so unkind, about a man I can’t remember
I don’t recall the reasons why, I must have meant them at the time, is this the sound of sweet surrender?

What a shame we never listened
I told you through the television
And all that went away was the price we paid
People spend a lifetime this way
And that’s how they stay
Oh what a shame.

Words come easy, when they’re true
Words come easy, when they’re true

So I got busy throwing everybody underneath the bus
And with your poster 30 foot at the back of Toys-R-Us
Now we can put it down to circumstance, our childhood then our youth.

What a shame we never listened
I told you through the television
And all that went away was the price we paid
People spend a lifetime this way
And that’s how they stay
Oh what a shame.

People spend a lifetime this way
Oh what a shame
Such a shame, what a shame

weird dream

I usually don't dream at all. I mostly just hit the pillow and wake up 6, 7 hours later with no memory of what-so-ever happened during my sleep. But last night, maybe the fact I slept in the guest room first then moved to my bed, cause me to dream a little, and of course, it was about Andrew. Grrr... I am still all over him :-/

The memory is vague now. I seem to remember we went to a electronics market or something like that, and there were dealers of pornographic DVDs, and there was this guy I seem to have seen somewhere looking for gay porn DVD... awkward... Andrew was with me in my dream, and in the dream, he drove all the way back from New York City to see me. Well I was really happy in the dream but it's really weird tho, because one, i usually don't dream about anything; two, Andrew is in Seoul, not NYC; and three, I wasn't ecstatic about the dream...

Oh well it's just a dream I suppose, doesn't mean anything real. But I am happy that when I wake up this morning, I saw Andrew has left a message on my wall :) yes he is checking on me as well, while I do check on him regularly (might be a little too often).

:)

Pause

It's a rather magical state... when you are in this state, you feel the things flow by rather quickly but you stay where you are, like an observer. stay still, and watch things go by in each of their own different way.

I have put a pause on the love part of my life, updated my profile on MH and POF to indicate that I am not looking for anything other than chatting and friends. Well I'm not humble enough to close my accounts coz I still go on them when I am bored just to check out people, but I won't do anything else like I use to. So far no one has questions me about this yet. I do expect people get annoyed and even question my purpose of putting it out there. Yeah it maybe a little goof or even stupid to some people. It doesn't really make much sense to me either actually but the feeling I have with Andrew kinda drives me to do it.

I don't know what exactly I should do at this point other than keep my nose clean and head straight, but I think I am okay.

Tonight

An empty street, an empty house

A hole inside my heart

I'm all alone, the rooms are getting smaller.

I wonder how, I wonder why, I wonder where they are

The days we had, the songs we sang together.

Aug 20, 2010, 7:20PM, Halifax Stanfield International Airport. You put a hole in my heart...

The last one stand

People are leaving me, yeah i mean physically/geographically they are leaving, at the same time... And seems like everyone is extremely busy, including me. I don't wanna point fingers but something just doesn't make sense any more... maybe just to me they aren't, coz I am the last one stand.

Things between me and Andrew are getting a little weird in the last few days.

1, we are not moving in the direction that I want. that's understandable since he didn't want to start something from the beginning and I sorta pushed it over to where we are (were), and that was right before the party in my house. So to everyone who has asked me "is that your boyfriend?" I said yes. Now I kinda feel regretting about it since he is not so keen on that and want to take things slow... well it make sense and for a totally valid reason - bad timing, but still, I certainly feel the motion of my leaning forward and his leaning back, which irritates me quite a bit actually.

2, it is inevitable that we are going to be apart very soon, in 2 days... and everyone knows the long distance thing could be a dreaded nightmare to any relationship (if you consider this as a relationship, maybe not). We are going to keep in touch for sure, and hopefully, finger crossed, see each other in Asia early next year. Either I go to Korea or he goes to China for a short visit and pick up the fire, but it's just a plan for now, and chances are it's not happening. I am not sure at this moment but there's hope, and I am a optimal possibilitist most of the times. Things are not gonna be on hold for me nor for him, I'd like to have a chat and establish/find a common ground for both of us sometime before Friday night.

3, people keep telling me that I am crazy wanting things go seriously with Andrew. I know they are 100% genuine concerns for my benefit, but only I know what I have been through, no one else knows. Although I might be a little bit too keen on getting into a real relationship with a guy I just met not even a month ago, I am okay, mentally and physically. Andrew seem to be a really great guy, I'd like to keep things moving forward with him for at least a little longer and see how we are doing and where we wanna be. I don't want to hear anything like he is leaving or he is too young whatever. Those words do nothing but pollute my head.

4, there are some little things here and there I notice and irritates me sometimes, I don't wanna list them because they are too little and I don't keep them in mind for very long, and they could be part of a larger picture. Another reason being they are not always from Andrew so I guess they are no biggie anyway.

This probably gonna suck if this doesn't work out.

Feel the need

Always feel the need to write something but never know what to write. Afraid it's gonna come down too cheesy or too boring... but since no one is reading, why do i care?

It was a blast last weekend. I probably had spent way too much time with Andrew and now I started to feel the urge of his leaving and a little bit of sad/touching/god knows whatever feeling that is. When we talked about it in the car by the highway, I know I was a little disappointed. I wanted to hear something more cheerful or at least hopeful or positive, not the bold heavy truth I already know, but it's OK i guess. Lets face it, it only has been 3 weeks that we have met each other, and has been dating for a week and half. Although the feeling is mutual (hopefully), the time is simply too short for us to get to anywhere near a stabilized relationship. I probably already looking quite desperate than I actually am, which I definitely don't want to, but I do want to move forward. I don't get as many feed back like I would like to, which makes me keeps wondering. It took me a long time to find someone as great as Andrew, smart, respectful, charming and all the good stuff. I'm afraid I might loose him, after all, I am not a Korean, I am not a Canadian, I am 6 years older than him, I am kinda stuck in Halifax... 

Oh well, let's be positive for now, we've got a true connection at least, and I think we both want to work this out... I am not a pessimist after all, I am not a optimist either, but looking at the bright side, we still have a few days left and I'm gonna be at the alehouse all the way through his going away party... We will see how things turn out...

Awesome party game - Rock Band

Rock Band has always been the game I wanted to buy since it was out, but the high price tag prevented me from poking another hole in my wallet. But I finally got it months later... better late than nothing :)


Played it in guitar solo mode, and drum too. Guitar is not nearly as hard as guitar hero, but drum needs a bit practice. The song Run to the hills is crazy in expert mode. There are some videos on youtube showing a real drummer doing it perfectly, but I'm no drummer in real life...

Played in local coop mode with yy and sam, it was where the real fun lies. We gonna do it again this Saturday again.