Back from China

Well...I didn't have much time to update this blog while i was in china but now i am back in office again.

I had a really really nice trip, indeed. Even I felt that I didn't wanna come back to Halifax again on my last day in Beijing. It was only a flash in my thought, quick, and then disappeared.

On the flight back to Canada, I traveled with a girl I know from Fred but now she is in Calgary. I may go to Calgary later, or Vancouver, or even the states, but who knows. I still love my job here, so many things are going on in this big world, I am just one of them.

Suddenly I felt I have nothing in the near future to expect to come...No more vacations in 2007, no more gardgets to buy...Well, maybe the only thing I can expect is the proposed US trip, if the SUV will arrive as expected. Silly A, u made a big mistake... Anyway, as I knew long ago, when she said she would get me a ps3 before offcial launch day, if it is not yours, it is not. Vehicle is the same. Anyway, I am not a person who wanna live on someone else. If FX45 is not mine this time, I will buy one for myself when I go to another city.

I didn't buy too much stuff for myself, a starbucks mug, two pairs of shoes, a few tops and miscellaneous stuff. I got a new electronic shaver from my dad, and a new digital camera as well. I got a new watch but I don't know if I am gonna put it on. It is too dressy. Maybe I should keep it for later.

Luggages arrived last night, finally. I wasn't worrying about those, but I wanna share those paper cuttings with my colleagues. They are beautifulpaper cuttings although they are not hand made ones, which could be freaking expensive. Hope all my colleagues loves those crafts, I think they do, and they loves me too. LOL.

Tired...

I felt a bit getting tired of the relationship thing...maybe i am really bored of seeing the same face over and over again for long, or maybe i just miss the time i being alone by myself.
I am so tired these days, from work, and from the relationship. I am getting excited day by day coz i will go home soon, and the point is, i will have some my own time in China.
I miss a lot of my past... just miss

the deepest thing in the world

I just can't stop thinking of my friends. They are all my most presures treasure in my life. I can live with out a lover, i mean seriously i can, but i can't suvive without friends for a day.

Now I am in Halifax the bigger town, where I don't have lots of friend I've been with for more than 5 years. I do have Matt and Yuan, they are all super good people. I love them. But friends is a life time long stuff that can't be easily forgot. Like Keeyo and me, 6 years is only like a flash. I still remember all the good times and bad ones as well. I know i am somehow different from ordinary guys, although i am not 100% sure about this myself now, but I know I will love him for my life, as he loves me as his best of the best friend too.

I met with Joe on Saturday night. He is still the same charming boy as in my memory, but things changed around him. i can feel that under his always smiling face, his heart is full of thinking, and some sadness too. I don't know exactly what happened to him while i was gone. He is now with Amanda, and for that, he is isolated by others. Joe is not a bad person, he will never hurt any one he love, but he is frigile inside too. I told him not to be too nice to everyone coz people will ask for more. Try to be a tough one, but be nice to people who love u. It wasn't the first time i heard people say that Joe and I are (looking) similar, I do think me and him share alot of in personality, and i was really happy that he thinks the same too. He could have become Keeyo second if we had enough time together. I think I love you guys too much than I can handle.

I will keep Keeyo and Joe as my best friends ever. True friends are not see though eyes, but hearts. It is the deepest thing in the world.

Feel bad about myself. really really bad

i just know... I am actually one of those people I used to look down upon.

I'm so sorry.

Never forgive myself of doing this.

Chirstmas and New Year vacation is gone

Spend a long vacation in Hfx. Actually this is the first long vacation I spend in hfx. Last time I took a week off went to New York with Matt and Yuan. But it was fun.

I had many friends came over, from Fred and Montreal and Saint John. Parties, shoppings, games...everyday started from noon, such a lazy life style.

I didn't buy too much stuff for myself. except some games, cheap ones. top spin 2, rager racer 6, halo, fable. I bought two memory cards too, from bestbuy but one of them is not working good now...:( those memory cards are for psp and ds, for Alice in another way. she likes to play Nintendogs, and some cute psp games. I don't usually play those portable consoles that much. What else did i buy? I can't really remember, oh, some gap and club monaco clothing. and a levis denim. these days it was me who always spend money on food, next month i gotta watch out for my cridet card usage.

Alice got that sharp tv for both of us, and she is going to get a nice SUV I like from her uncle. She is a regular girl but she has amazing relatives. Charming.

I love that TV, but it could be better if i buy it myself. I don't really like to get stuff from people, but since it's under her name, I don't mind that much. Anyway, now my ps3 can expose its full power.

I still feel lazy on the second day back to work, and I still sleep late at night, almost 1am every night. this is no good, I should get back to my regular sleep hr asap.

Gotta play some soccer tonite. I felt good last week back to soccer field, but I hate to play with that indian asshole. Tonite i will put on white, ignore him.

Christmas in home

A and B's first ever Christmas tree
Make a wish. hehe
Beautiful isn't it?

Maybe

Maybe a self contained self centralized person like me shouldn't have another one to shwre life with...
I really feel pissed off tonite.

First snow in Halifax in 2006

Well I didn't expect it would come at all and I was screwed totally...
Waiting for the bus for 2 hours and then finally got on the bus and began another 2 hr trip home... well since everyone was experiencing the same thing as i did so i wasn't complaining a lot but still, I don't like winter.

First snow was reminding for me always. I still remember all the old days in Saint Joh, in Fred, and even days I spend in CCSC in Beijing...
The winter that I fought with K, the winter I struggle with S, the winter I went to work with N and G, the winter I drove my own stang with tires from An (I still owe u a lot I know), and this winter... seems like I will be spending my days with A, the girl current I am in relationship with, and the girl I am care about.

Snow...

Got My PS3!!!

It was such a big suprise from my GF. She got me a PS3! Thanks so much Alice.
Quote from Yuan: You are such a lucky bastard.
Yeah he is right, I'm lucky to have you, Alice.

My Wii

SHOULD I GO OR SHOULD I STAY

PS3 is coming up.
Wii is coming up.

Should I go or should I stay?

Give & Gain

Give: I give up the chance to have a playstation3, which is the latest gadget i should be crazy about as a hardcore gamer, and it's even beyond my dream. It was just about to be mine, but I didn't get it, or I should say I give it up.

Gain: It's the first time that I heard the entitlement finally belongs to me. I didn't ask for it, I didn't push her for even a bit. I know where I am in her heart at this stage, and I know I can finally say to myself, Brian, you are not along any more.

I didn't meant to just act like a gentleman by giving up something I would love to have and yet not affordable at this point. I didn't feel regret, at least I don't have such a big feeling about this. I just wished it could be mine by Alice's decision but it's not happening. I don't know why I was so calm about this, even Alice said if I ask for it, I will get it for sure because I got a higher priority. Well, I know I used to be very careful on money and spending etc, but this time i guess i care more about how Alice would think of me and our relationship. I'm now a maturer person than before i guess, although I still have a bad idea about personal financial...

Anyway, Alice is a good girl, what she decided is nothing wrong. I am not a jerk who will relay on someone else to get what I want, neither my parents, nor my life parter. I can afford a PS3 if i want to have one in the future, I can live on my own hands.

Brian, what you've done is exactly what a real man should do. I am proud of you.

feel tired and pathetic

I don't wanna do this any more
I don't wanna do this any more
I don't wanna do this any more

These days are my most busy days after i came in T4G...I talk so much with my team mate, and I actually don't agree on many stuff he decides but I felt my knowledge is far from sharp to defeat his point of view most of time. As Jeff told me, this is more a learning opportunity to me than anything else. I think he is right, and I did learn a lot from Darrel, but I do think Stuart is a much smarter man.

Damn I am so into this relationship now. I don't know what to do to have total control on everything. As I typed this, I thought that I am the same type of person as Mel and Brian. Who knows...

Just called A, actually she called me after we talked a bit on MSN, she is quite lazy i would say, lol, too lazy to type, but she is a good person, a good girl, a good one who deserve a lot of love. I never thought that I would rather go for a girl like her before this fall, but now, I don't know if I can still stay alive with out think about her... I really don't know what I want now... :( Pathetic me...

A and B

A is a nice girl who i kept meeting with during the last few weeks. Yes I am dating her. This news has been spreaded all over my friends in Hfx, even some friends in Fred know this...I don't really want too much ppl to know at this stage coz simply i don't know what is going to happen myself, but anyway, things seem like going to the direction that out of my control. Or...do I wanna control it at all?

All of my friends support me persurading A. Including friends know and don't know my identity. I've been a single (by saying single i mean have no girlfriend) for about four years. I still remember when i broke up with my ex-girlfriend Miranda. She was such an adorable girl. We didn't have many thing in private, and I wasn't care about her too much. Sorry Miranda, I really sorry for what I've done. It's good to leave me anyway... And because of I know who I am and what I wanted during these years, I didn't wanna cover myself with a fake relationship with whoever female, instead I had two boyfriends one after another.

Angus, I still remember the time I spent with you. It wasn't all about happy times, more i can remember than happiness are our fights. It wasn't a nice ending between you and me but it was the right one. You are not a bad person at all, I loved you but I can't afford to live without myself. Xiaojin, we had a short repationship since we are so far apart. It was a crush for me, maybe because I didn't have what i wanted, and you just appear at the right time. U are adorable, affctionite. our relationship would last longer if we did not separate.

Anyway...all have gone. They say things you can't get are always the best ones, as the reason K said about our relationship, and with J. Only one thing you are wrong about me, K. I would never dump you if u don't dump me, although I'm not 100% sure about this myself...

Back to A, I like her alot, and I wanna have someone to share my life. Note, I said someone. I know who I am in bed, but I'm nolonger so picky... being alone is not a good thing all the time. I can certainly enjoy being left alone aside for sometime, but also nice to have one that i can show my care to, and not afraid to let the rest of the world know... A, please don't hold me a inch away, I'm afraid if this goes on, I might lost the motivation I rarely have on girls...

Brian is a good boy. I promise to the rest of the world. If you feel Brian is a cold person and hard to reach his heart, you are wrong about him. He is shy. He is afraid to talk to strangers. He wants someone to hold him like a child.

I almost cried out...
LOVE

Who Do I want?

I am really confused by myself now... I don't even know what do i want, who do i want...

To be frank, I am still the one I used to be, but this doesn't mean I can deny the feeling that I do want to be with someone, even that is a girl... If J or K or even Json can be with me, I would never wanna go fo A. Maybe because I was just being alone for too long.

I feel ashamed of myself, and pity... inside.